This one comes out of the bad manager’s play book.
A friend instant messages me the other day. She’s on the market for a new gig and I’ve been helping out as her pseudo career adviser. She’s an A-player who has lots of options to entertain. She’s paid her dues at her current gig, gained a ton of great experience… but she’s not able to innovate and keep growing in the way she wants to. So on this particular day that she messages me, her manager sat her down to talk. “I hope you aren’t looking at other job options. Don’t you see we’ve laid other people off and kept you?” How nice. The message could have probably been delivered a bit differently, we all can agree on that. But then it got worse. The kicker: “You can’t leave me,” her manager said. Wow. Are you cringing as you read this?
Times are tough everywhere, I get this. And especially in organizations like my friend’s where they have done layoffs and made salary cuts both, those who are left are likely doing more for less. But that’s not an excuse for bad behavior. If this were a manager in my organization, there would be a few different things I’d ask him/her to consider:
- People look at other job opportunities even when they aren’t looking. Everyone likes the passive candidate better, right? Never assume all doctors appointments are doctors appointments.
- But if you really think someone “can’t” leave you? Well, then let people stretch their wings. If you really can’t bear to see them go, what is it going to take to keep them satisfied and fulfilled?
- Sometimes you’ve just got to let go. People may leave, and the reality is that everyone is pretty much replaceable. Guilting someone into staying won’t resolve whatever underlying issues they have which are causing them to even be open to leaving.
- Of course you’re human, we’re all human… but are you really that needy? And do you want to really show that card to your team? You’re a manager for goodness’ sake. Infuse some confidence in your staff. Even if you feel like it would be difficult to do without one of your staff members, even if you’ve worked hard to make them feel valued by recognizing them and doing all those warm fuzzy things… get a grip.
This story ends nicely for my friend – she was offered a new gig last week and it’s a great career move for her… but when she gave notice to her manager? The tears flowed and again it was more, “You can’t leave me,” chatter. No wonder my pal is getting out of there. Sigh… can we get this manager some coaching please?
Excellent article and very poignant in this day and age Jessica. My first thought was what if your employee said “you can’t lay me off”? Would that entice you to keep him or her? I think not. My company just went through some lay off’s and it was hard and it was painful and we kept people who were the best for our business. What this means is we have to work even harder than normal to instill in them an ownership role. We are all passive candidates in some way or other and the key is to have the employees totally excited and loving their jobs. I think one part of a company’s growth “ladder” should be more focused on specific 2, 5 and even 10 year goals. I have a manager who will ask “where do you see yourself in 5 years”, and disregard the candidate if they do not say they want to be in exactly the same place they are interviewing for!
To keep top talent in an organization, you have to realize that sometime they will want/need to do something else or at least develop their positions as they themselves grow. If a manager does not understand and accept, there will be a lot of tears!!
A friend is going through a similar thing – it’s very frustrating because we put so much of our heart into where we work and what we do (that’s what makes us good employees) so these emotional pleas are upsetting – even if you recognize them as unprofessional and perhaps a good sign that you should get out while the getting is good.
That’s about the opposite of my bosses.. both of them over the last few months have said to me “don’t think for a second your position isn’t replaceable” followed with “there was a lot of work to be done around here and you need to be here to do it.” Where are the leaders that inspire, motivate, and generally make employees feel the need to commit to their office…instead of just invoke the “flee NOW” emotions? Overall EVERYONE is replaceable, life goes on, but you shouldn’t have to beg people to stay or even remind them that they are disposable.
In today’s marketplace, everyone has to assume that everyone is looking out for #1.
I see nothing wrong with this message to an employee. The manager could be saying several other things beyond the guilt trip:
You’re valuable and we will reward you if you stay
When my hands are untied in terms of resources, I will be able to restructure your work in line with where you want it to be
As a manager, however, you have to be prepared for the fact that people will think about themselves first, so you have to be prepared for the worst.
I think that this scenario can depend upon the situation. In a small office, there’s a close working relationship and often friendships can be formed in the midst of working in the war room to get projects done. Also, in a smaller office, certain items that are ongoing and crucial are often performed by only one person and these processes are greatly compromised when turnover occurs. Additionally, in the current climate, administration isn’t willing to fill positions that “they” are unable to see are crucial. If this is where this kind of interaction is occurring, then I think you’re being too harsh on the manager.
Rule #1 the mgr forgot: engage brain before mouth!!!!! Get some interpersonal skills coaching, ASAP!
Rule #2 the mgr forgot: Keep your people challenged & learning(not just busy w/ more of the same work)
Rule #3 : Any mgr that has an “A” list EE, should be prepared to have that person leave at any time
Rule #4: There are always going to be mgr out there that survive because of the labors of junior staff; “A” list EEs recognize that early on when they don’t get recognized for their contribution to the team/dept.
Rule #5: Any mgr that openly states, “we can replace you in a min” deserves whatever they get – EEs constantly job hunting instead of producing results. Albeit true or not, that’s no way to engender trust, motivation & productivity.
Rule #6: In these times, Mgr & EEs need to be sensitive to each others’ situations. EVERYONE is in danger of losing a position, Everyone is doing 2-3 jobs to compensate, Everyone lives w/ panic. Good times or bad, good people leave/bad people get to be managers, etc. That’s life & business.
@jill – wow, your situation is way on the other side of the pendulum! i agree… leaders should inspire and motivate! not guilt or instill fear into their staff.
@jim – i just don’t agree! when did giving a guilt trip become acceptable? it’s so passive aggressive. making someone feel valuable and offering rewards in exchange is great – but you can just be straight forward with that. guilt trips are needless mind games, don’t you think?
@seen it all before – you bring up a good point about the small office environment. and this was a smallish office environment… but we’ve all gotta keep our emotions in check. it’s partially a credibility issue for a leader, don’t you think? i have a hard time saying this as a woman, but a leader can/needs to find a balance between being authentic, emotional and strong all at the same time.
@barbara – great list!
J Lee,
Great post. The only time it works to use the “can’t leave me” ploy is when you work for your mom or dad – and that’s only because they’ll stop getting you great gifts for the holidays!
Tim