Fast Company expert blogger, Alicia Morga - named one of the most influential women in technology (and if John Sumser has taught us anything, it’s how important “most influential” lists are!) by Fast Company in 2009 – posted a while back on Why Women Should Flirt, which was based on a research study about women and negotiating by Negotiation Journal. Alicia’s take:
Research that explains what may be going on at work. According to researchers Tinsley, Cheldelin, Schneider, and Amanatullah, who authored “Women at the Bargaining Table: Pitfalls and Prospects” women are in a classic double bind: “women may be perceived as competent but unlikable or as likable but incompetent.” This bind exists because there are very strong female stereotypes in our culture.
Of course this is not news to any woman in the field, but these researchers discovered that “women who violate gendered expectations incur negative social consequences. In other words, evaluators tend to make negative judgments about women who behave in masculine ways to fulfill the needs of their jobs.”…
The researchers point to an experiment that looked at flirting in a negotiation context. When both women and men flirted in the negotiation, women were perceived as more likable. As the researchers noted, because flirting is seen as more stereotypically feminine behavior, the women may have benefited from using it. Furthermore, the “flirting had no impact on the measure of the female negotiator’s perceived competence, although it did diminish her perceived trustworthiness.”
Why is this important?
I’m a huge believer in using your strengths to the point that I will argue with my OD friends that corporate training to try and improve someones weaknesses is a complete waste of time and resources. As adults, it is almost impossible to make drastic change to one’s weaknesses – but people will continue to improve and gain in their personal strengths.
Now, I’m not naive enough to believe all women are great at flirting – I’m sure there are one or two out there who can’t do it (although I’ve never met them – and those who say they ‘can’t flirt’ are actually the best at it!). But if you have a strength, like flirting, and you are also a woman… then you need to find ways to use that to your advantage in a business setting – to get your project budgets approved, to influence decisions in the way you feel they should go, to get that cute guy in marketing to go out with you (just kidding on the last one!). Bottom line, use your strengths when negotiating, and don’t feel bad about it.
Think about it. I’m a guy (arguable, but true), and if I flirt it just becomes creepy! It’s not a strength I have, plus the above research shows it’s probably not a good negotiating skill for me to use as a male. But I love sports, and in a heartbeat I’ll sway an entire conversation during negotiation to talking about the other parties’ favorite teams, players, etc. Set up future times to see a game and grab a beer, send over tickets to the next big contest, etc. I’m a guy, it’s what we do – it’s a strength.
So, women, especially those in HR – get your flirt on – embrace it, have fun with it – see how far you can push the envelope with it. It’s a skill – and one that your male counterparts usually aren’t very good at. Just think about how many drinks you’ve bought for a guy vs. how many drinks have been bought for you. That’s all just a negotiation – of which I’m usually on the losing end (okay, always on the losing end!).
TGIF.
Tim, interesting post. Got your flak jacket on?
I dunno, dude.
Imma tell you a story.
When I worked as a corporate recruiter, my SVP of HR was very flirty. I was 24/25. I flirted back. Lots of chit chat. Very easy peasy. I was 5’0″ and weighed 145 lbs. Very dumpy looking. New to the working world. Never quite got it right with my appearance because this world of being pretty & suburban was new to me.
My boss? 6’4″ and attractive. He was 40 but looked younger. And there was no way he was interested in me. I thought it was safe to flirt and be chatty since he was the boss.
He gave me a 14.2% merit increase.
I was over the moon.
But the conversation turned a little more serious after my raise. How was my weekend? Am I still seeing Ken? Any new boyfriends? Anyone at the office I was interested in getting to know better?
We never talked about my job. And I reported directly to him.
Then he started telling me about his failed marriage.
But okay, those are the rules. I created this monster. Awesome. I’m a big girl. I can deal with it.
And then my Mom got really sick and I called in to tell the SVP, “I’m up in Wisconsin at a hospital. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
He asked, “Okay, but did you get any this weekend?”
And I hung up the phone and sobbed.
So I came back a few weeks later and started my job search. That’s what you do. I got a new job and told the General Counsel and CEO/Chairman what had happened. There was an investigation conducted by PDI.
And I was categorized as a young woman who was excessively flirty. And he was characterized as a dope who gave a flirty girl a 14.2% increase because I was flirty.
He was a fool. I was the harlot.
Hm.
He continued to work there for a few more years. There were other (alleged) situation like mine. And he is finally gone.
I’m very good at flirting, but I’m not so good at having to manage the impact of where my flirting goes when a) someone doesn’t know the rules and b) is more powerful than I am.
I think there’s wisdom here but I think you’re going to wish you defined flirting better/more. This one will get people talking but in the end it will come down to who will admit they flirt vs who is in denial, and how they define the flirting they’ll admit to. And happy holidays cutie!
oh, tim sackett.
i know people will be irritated by this post of yours. but they usually are irritated by all posts of yours.
you have a point though. and i will admit that i am guilty as charged when it comes to using my flirting skills to my advantage in professional settings to get my way or get things done. bat my eyelashes, cock my head to the side, twist my hair a little bit, giggle, a warm arm squeeze… call it turning on the charm or flirting but either way, it has its merits. it is way underrated too; it’s a skill that should be taught and cultivated.
that all said, there is a line to draw and be cognizant of. too flirtatious and charming? men are dumb and mistake a high level of friendliness/flirtation/charm for something else. “maybe she really likes me and i should ask her out for a drink then call her at 2am to see what happens!” i’ve been there before too. so, there is such a think as turning it on a notch too high with the flirting. but when used appropriately and in the right amounts, totally effective. what can i say? you men are way too easy sometimes!
I’m with Jessica on this one. Some innocent flirting can be ok. But it’s amazing how many times women are actually NOT flirting and the man thinks we are. I don’t want to have to be a ball buster b*&%h to negotiate but I also don’t appreciate all the creepy guys who think just because I chat with you or return an email that I want you. There have been too many creepy guys out there that do. Like Laurie’s situation, eventually they get fired when the evidence grows.
Laurie -
You definitely have a very valid point – any kind of behavior, including, flirting can have bad consequences. I tend not to flirt, but use humor in getting my point across to win arguements and have many examples where it crossed the line and someone ended up “losing”. In the end that is never a good end to any problem or issue.
I intended for my recommendation “to flirt more” – to be within limits, but as we HR Pros knows – my limits or your limits might be in different ball parks and that creates problems. So, I take back everything I said above – no one flirt and everyone get back to work! Just kidding – you can flirt me all you want and I still won’t give you a raise.
T
I’m not willing to go down that path just yet, but thanks for the recommendation, T! I’ll remember that when I want a raise.
I think that your points on utilizing your strengths are good ones. A weakness is likely to continue to be a weakness, but we can gain, utilize, and grow our strengths. I’m not sure if flirting is the right word for what I would consider a female-centric strength. I think charm is more of it and men have it as well (you using your humor, me using light flirting).
Charm relaxes people and makes them spill the beans. It’s a great tool we all need to use more of – very valuable in the HR world!
Us women definitely have a fine line to walk between being too soft or too hard, and still being downright professional rockstars.
Love this post!
Tim – I think that one of the factors of women being more “flirty” having a better impact in negotiations/life is truly just being nice and not trying to always “prove yourself” as a tough person who is always all business and super serious with no personal connection that “won’t take anything from anybody” because those women are as creepy as the old guy that flirts with the young girls.
But absolutely agree – Some people don’t 1) Know the Rules (as Laurie said) or 2) Think you’re flirting when you are just being nice/friendly (as Trish said)
Tim, thanks.
I’m a woman who suffered the wrath of Jezebel, Salon, and Feministe when I recommended that women quit their jobs before reporting sexual harassment. I’ve pissed off my share of established feminists. I’ve got credibility on this issue. I get your point.
I think your post is clever and probably realistic. And it makes me sad because I’ve seen how both sides of this works. Flirting is fine & fun & human… but some people misunderstand true power at the office… mostly due to immaturity and lack of exposure to real situations.
My old boss had power, money, and the ear of the chairman/ceo. You think some chumpy little woman who flirts her way into his office is getting in the way of his career?
And I did get a 14.2% raise so maybe I should just STFU and get back into the kitchen and make him some pie.
Anyway, thanks for the post. Its obvious that I use my awesome flirty skills on you. This is why we’re friends. That’s all that matters. xo
Tim – I think you make a great point, but the term flirt adds a little too much sexual connotation. When a woman is a great flirter – the men don’t even know they were flirted with. So here is a good politically correct term for you “gender appropriate interpersonal skills.”
I can hear some politician now saying under oath “that depends on what your definition of Flirt is”
Tim – You certainly make an interesting point here and I can see some validity; however, I would advise using some extreme caution in utilizing these “powers”, as Laurie pointed out. I happen to LOVE sports, especially college football (which comes in handy, especially in the south). So, I think I’ll use that to my advantage to initiate conversations, etc, rather than the flirting… just to be safe! Great post, though!
Call it denial, but I just can’t buy into the stereotype that all women flirt and are good at it. Nor do I buy into the idea that sports is only a guy thing, or all black people can dance, or white men can’t jump, or any other ridiculous generalization of a group of people. But unfortunately (as indicated by the research) stereotypes continue to cloud our perception of others.
Getting off my soapbox, I strongly agree with Emily’s comments. I think we all should play up our strengths-whatever they may be.
Is it really flirting that leads to successful negotiations. . .or is it actually just being more interest-ed than being interest-ing?
One of the most successful negotiation strategies is understanding the other person’s point of view, and showing (and feeling!) genuine interest in them is one strong way to do that. Personally, I think THAT’s what’s winning in experiments like these–it’s not batting your eyes or giggling like a fool (although smiling helps in all human communication!)
Rather than telling folks to get their flirt on, let’s encourage our colleagues to take the time and actually get interested in someone else–and through that knowledge, you’ll find the solutions that work for you both.
“male”, “guy”, “woman”? It’s okay to call yourself a “man” Tim.
WOW!! Tim you must be a lot older than you appear in your picture. “Send over tickets to the next big contest”, encouraging women to flirt more in work situations…
What century are you living in? These kinds of actions do nothing more than earn you a pink slip in this day and age. Have you ever heard of business ethics? Have you watched the news channels any time this decade to see what happens to business people who follow this kind of old-school thinking?
Talk about worthless advice…
I think there are some holes in the study. Let’s revisit before we quit the MBA program and invest long-term in making a career out of flirting.
It said a woman could flirt and still be seen as competent. How’s this: “Hire her! She’s competent!” Uh..?
The study said flirting would, “diminish her perceived trustworthiness.” So today I get the deal signed but from now on I’m perceived as untrustworthy rather than as an expert in my field.
Alternative: If the “danger” is being perceived as too masculine in the workplace and therefore unlikeable – especially during negotiations – then how about other traditional “stereotypes” that don’t get men and women in situations where they could potentially get fired at worst and at the “least” are seen as untrustworthy?
“Traditionally feminine” values (though we don’t have the market cornered) such as openness, kindness and compassion will go a long way towards likability and getting a deal signed. Feminine but not potentially confusing.
You should never put yourself in a situation that could possibly get out of hand. Know the personalities of the people you are dealing with and always remember your reputation. It is more important in the long run, then a raise.
Worst. Advice. Ever.
Use your skills!