I received an email this week that pleasantly surprised me. I had met with the email sender, a 2010 graduate, about a year or so ago as a favor to a friend and she was writing to say thanks.
To rewind a bit. This gal – she had a good resume. She was clearly smart given she was graduating from an Ivy League school with honors and had financed her education with scholarships and grants. She was driven and had completed some solid internships pre-graduation. And you could tell she made an effort to come across as polished by the way she styled her hair and through her attire selection. But despite all of that, I couldn’t get over the fact that when she spoke, it came across as too… too… well, she came across as a little too “hood” or “ghetto” or “street.” Call it what you want. And I didn’t think she had any clue how it impacted how people might perceive her, even despite the fact that she had so many other great things going for her.
Instead of “with”, she would say, “wit’”. She dropped the letter “g” from many of her words ending in “-ing”. Instead of “playing”, it was “playin’”. Instead of “working”, it was “workin’”. There were drawn out “yeah, yeahhhhh” responses versus a simple “yes”.
Truth be told, I could have easily just had the meeting with her, given her some general advice about how to navigate the job market in DC and then moved on with my day. But she was a 22 year old Asian American young professional whose hustle and determination I respected. And I thought she really deserved a shot because, in all honesty, I saw a little bit of myself in her. Minus the way she spoke. So I broke down and just told her. I told her that the way she spoke came across as a little too hood and therefore made her appear less educated and polished than she really was. It just did not match her accomplishments and what I saw on paper. And I told her that it was going to be a problem in the long run for her, especially if she wanted to make it in DC in her chosen field. It would be hard for people to look past the way she spoke and really dig into her skills and smarts.
She was taken aback. Almost speechless, except for being able to squeak out a thank-you for my perspective. She had no idea how she was coming across. Or that she was even speaking the way she was. So an awkward silence followed which I had to scramble to overcome.
After she left my office, I wondered whether I was too harsh or simply out of line. Was I imposing myself when I shouldn’t have? Was I being insensitive? Especially because I didn’t hear from her afterward.
Fast forward to about a year later, and then I receive an email from her saying thanks. It was truly a pleasant surprise. It was an email to say thanks because she started realizing after our meeting how her speech did indeed impact perceptions of her. And even better – she shared that she had begun mentoring a college student and even shared that same issue and perspective with her new mentee. I was so, so, SO pleased by this email.
It got me thinking though – how often do we give candidates feedback that’s simply nice, or to CYA… rather than feedback that’s truly helpful?
I’ve been stuck on an article I read the other week on HBR on being helpful, versus being nice. As recruiters, as advisors and consultants to other people managers, as managers ourselves, or as mentors, how often do we fall into the trap of trying to be nice when it would truly be better for us to be honest, and as a result, helpful? And when I think about this situation with this young professional and the feedback I gave her… I can’t help but to think I might need to do this more often. From the article -
Because as long as what you say comes from your care and support for the other person — not your sympathy (which feels patronizing) or your power (which feels humiliating) or your anger (which feels abusive) — choosing to offer a critical insight to another is a deeply considerate act.
Food for thought. Dont’ be nice; be helpful. It’s a deeply considerate act. Wow.
Great article! Thank you for your story; it resonates with me.
If the point is to be helpful, then we need to be. I, too, give people honest feedback and have never (to the best of my knowledge) had this backfire. Sometimes people just don’t know what other people see that they can’t see about themselves. I’ve been asked a number of times to meet with people (experienced and new grads) to help that person gain a better understanding of interview techniques, style and presence when he/she speaks about career goals and about him/herself. I equate this to standing in front of a mirror and practicing your interview style. The point is to find weaknesses that need to be strengthened and strengths that need to be supported.
I agree, if someone really cares, the feedback will be presented in a non-accusatory manner and will exude a genuine sense of caring. Telling someone what she wants to hear rather than what she needs to know will bring an “AH-HA” moment if not immediately, it surely will at some point down the road.
I typically don’t give feedback to candidates, even if I really, really want to do so.It can be tricky, since intentions can so often be misconstrued, especially in that setting. I don’t think it’s fair to put my employer on the line for what might be perceived as discrimination or just flat make the applicant uncomfortable.
But in my personal life, everyone and their sister knows they can refer someone to me for some serious resume and interview makeover conversations. I always ask if they’re looking for some feedback, and then I lay it on the line. At that point, it’s not about my employer, they’ve come to me for help, I’m donating the benefit of my time and experience, and they know it’s not about whether or not they’ll get The Job with me. It’s about getting The Job with the next guy.
Great story. I am sure in the long run you really helped her to achieve so much more than what she would have on the path she was on. It can be difficult to have someone smack you in the face with reality- but after stepping out & looking at what they have to say from an objective viewpoint- it can always help one make the needed changes to find success.
I agree with Franny – to offer advice or feedback to friends and family is one thing – but come on Jessica – this is 2011 and if I was to even hint that someone I was interviewing was even remotely too “street” or too “hood” or too “ghetto” or anything else remotely attached to something racial – my company would be hit with a discrimination suit faster than you can type discrimination.
My heart longs for the time when 20 years ago, we could be more open, forthright and helpful to struggling candidates. Now, sad but true, my mantra is “we have your resume/application and if we are interested in moving forward, we will contact you.”
@ronni @franny – i hear you… and the HR gal in me wondered about the risk. but i do just wonder if there’s a happy medium. with candidates in particular, i don’t know how some of these folks are going to learn if you don’t tell them, you know? and so few have access to someone like you/me directly where they can be referred and get the straight truth. and plus i think that there are ways to do it with compassion without being accusatory or patronizing. but maybe i have an easier time as a minority giving feedback like i did. i recognize that too… it’s a toughie. but in so many other situations, besides with candidates, i’m really trying to live out helpful, not nice. helpful! not nice!
I loved this post Jessica. Constructive criticism hurts when it comes from friends and family. If I knew then what I know now, I would have paid(and still would)for someone to give me honest and constructive criticism when I was 20 or 30.
If I meet with someone as a favor, not for an actual job for the company I work for, but as a favor to help them interview, then yes I would of course be helpful. But I have to agree with @ronni @franny when interviewing I’m not helpful, at least not with anything that could be discriminatory along protected lines, I would have to error on the side of protecting my company from liability. That said, it was a wonderful thing that clearly had a real world impact.
I’m going to take my own stab at being ‘helpful’ and not ‘nice’. While I agree with your message of taking the time to be helpful, your example came off as offensive (albeit likely unintentionally) and therefore erased any credibility in the post to me.
You qualified your motivation to be helpful because you saw ‘a little bit of yourself in her’…an Asian American young professional.
I ask you – would you have been as ‘helpful’ if she were an African American, White, Hispanic Female (or male for that matter?). I suspect that for those candidates, you may just have been ‘nice’.
While your message about being helpful is a good one, you brought in race and racially charged words which caused me to question if your motives were pure or solely for those who ‘look like you’ which in turn caused me to question your entire message…and follow it up with what is intended to be a ‘helpful’ message to you…
@karen – where are the racially charged words? i don’t know if i see that at all. i did bring up race, yes – but in the context of seeing a little bit of me in her as i looked at her and physically saw a resemblance to myself – but that wasn’t the *sole* reason for deciding to be helpful. i’ve met with plenty of other asian candidates who i have not gone out of my way to be “helpful” towards. with this gal, it was her race PLUS her level of hustle, determination, her drive, her motivation, and the fact that she was a new entrant into a large market and wanting to be in the industry i’m in. i think you might have read a little too much into this one… or are looking for something that’s not there. but i appreciate the gesture of trying to be helpful.
Better get wit da program girl. That’s the way we roll, and gen y is going to change it all fool! Educated and ghetto fabulous…cant wait for minroties to rule thius country ins 2050. R&B 4 sucka’s.
I think this is such a sensitive issue for a number of reasons. I think whether or not someone decided to go on a limb and give the feedback would highly depend on what the feedback was about. If it was the resume wording – probably more likely. A person’s appearance, less likely.
I think the young woman probably took your comments to heart in part because you are the same race. I think it would be a much different scenario (again my humble opinion) if the interviewer were a white american male or female and gave that same feedback to her or any woman of color (of any color).
Good, bad or indifferent I think we all tend to take advice from someone that is most like ourselves more to heart and less defensively.
Overall, I do agree that it takes more guts to be honest and help someone than to just be “nice.” But I do think it’s hard because some people are not open for feedback. I learned that the first thing to do before giving any feedback is to ask the person if they are open to receiving it.
I found this article to be quite interesting. For the most part of my career I have started off a conversation being “nice” UNLESS they ask for specific feedback and then I will give them more information. Most people take it well however in the last 12-18 months when I have provided the constructive criticism upon request, candidates have not taken it well. I am not sure that candidates really want to know the truth as to why they were not selected.
@Jessica – “hood” or “ghetto” or “street”
And you have made my point.
You admitted that you helped her because of her race PLUS “her level of hustle, determination, her drive, her motivation, and the fact that she was a new entrant into a large market and wanting to be in the industry i’m in.
Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would have helped her if this candidate showed hustle, determination, drive, motivation, and was a new entrant into a large market and wanting to be in the industry you’re in PLUS she was from a race that is typically characterized as being from the ‘hood’, ‘ghetto’ or ‘street’. Would you really have helped?
@karen – i choose my words very carefully. and my punctuation too. so to put the terms “hood” “ghetto” and “street” in quotations was intentional. i wouldn’t personally choose to describe how this gal spoke with those words, i don’t typically use them to describe people or their surroundings… but i know very well that others probably would have with this gal, and do every day in many other situations. and, i’ve taken offense to this as well. i find it terribly patronizing, and intolerant, to slap descriptors like that onto people or situations.
because you don’t know me, where or how i grew up, and any kind of adjustments i had to make earlier in my career to own presentation and way of speaking, i’ll respect that you got that i was coming at this in a racially charged way. i can understand that you would get that not knowing anything about me or where i come from… so i’ll leave it at that and respect it. i appreciate the gesture of wanting to be helpful toward me. but i hope you’ll believe me when i say that how i used those terms with that punctuation in particular was calculated to make a point with readers.
appreciate the dialog. this is probably one of those situations better hashed out over a cup of coffee rather than in the comments of a blog… so maybe some day!
I do think it’s hard because some people are not open for feedback. I learned that the first thing to do before giving any feedback is to ask the person if they are open to receiving it.
I think it would be a much different scenario if the interviewer were a white American male or female and gave that same feedback to her or any woman of color.