It’s that time of year again. The time of year where we hand out holiday bonuses and wish we could give people what they really deserve. A swift kick in the…
We should be giving holiday gifts that will guide and help people in their lives (especially the employees who drive us nuts).
So, in the spirit of HR correctness, I have composed an 8 gift, HR Gift Guide, just for you! Why 8 gifts? Because some of our employees need 8 gifts for Hanukkah. And we are HR! We will honor ALL religious holidays so we don’t get sued.
So without further ado, THE HR GIFT GUIDE FOR ANNOYING EMPLOYEES…
1. The Lazy Worker
Our Twitter friend, @DaveKroske, suggested we buy Lazy Pants a pedometer. Too lazy to walk over and pick up all of your crap off the copy machine? Not anymore, sir! We’re giving you a pedometer. And because we’re AWESOME, we’re getting one that shocks you when you sit still for too long.
Oh, and @DogsOnDrugs has suggested that we only half wrap the thing.
2. The Office Gossip
@CjSomebody suggested we buy the office gossip a megaphone so she only has to tell everyone once. I’m not sure about that. We’re trying to stop the madness over here in the HR Department.
I think I prefer @KaiasMommy_888′s suggestion. The office gossip should be given a journal. Just write down whatever you need to get out of your system.
3. The Person Who Forwards Every Email & Replies All & TYPES IN ALL CAPS & OMG PUNCTUATION!!!!???!?!?!
She has to be stopped. If I get one more email telling me to forward this to 10 of our friends or I’ll die a horrible and painful death, I might kick a kitten.
This book should do the trick.
4. The Jerk
Do you work with an opinionated butt-hole? Is there someone on your staff who yells and hollers? This guy needs to shape up and start apologizing. Give him the right tools to make that happen.
5. The Constantly Late People
This is so obvious. An alarm clock. But not just any alarm clock. You need to get them a helicopter alarm clock. By the time they catch it and make it stop beeping, they are wide awake and ready to come to work. It’s better than coffee.
6. The Close Talker
Back up, coffee breath! Open this gift before we speak again.
7. The Break Room Refrigerator Lunch Stealer
Clearly, this dude is just hungry. Feed him. Feed him something really gross. That’ll teach him.
Rockland Kosher Beef Tongue, $39.99
8. The FMLA Abuser
We might as well help this person come up with their next great ailment. After all, his doctor is just going to keep signing off on FMLA forms for every summer and Christmas vacation.
It sort of sends the message. We’re on to you, faker!
The Hypochondriac’s Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have, $12.80
There you have it! Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.
What did I miss? What do you want to give annoying employees?
