“The point is, ladies and gentleman, that shame, for lack of a better word, is good. Shame is right, shame works. Shame clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Shame, in all of its forms; shame for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And shame, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.”
Yeah that quote is from Wall Street of course… and, yes, I switched the word “greed” for shame.
Here’s the thing… I’ve always thought shame was a bad word… in some ways; I was ashamed of my shame. Recently, I’ve come to understand the power of shame. Meaning, embrace shame… understand it… try to find something positive within shame.
The backstory…
About two weeks ago, I was starving… it was 2(ish) in the afternoon and I hadn’t eaten all day. I was grumpy and needed a fast food fix. My car was in the shop so I had to use my wife’s new Prius. Don’t ask… suffice to say… I love my Mini. I drove about 2 miles away to a new Del Taco in my neighborhood. Again, don’t ask… I thought Del Taco went out of business in the 80′s… let’s not focus on that… the point is… I needed a burrito like a stripper needs coke. Shake that reference off… fight through it… And, because I was driving my wife’s new car, I didn’t dare eat to-go Mexican food in it. I did something I never do with fast food… I went in. Quite frankly, I wasn’t really sure what to expect… inside… I mean, I can quote most fast food menus from memory… which I’m not proud of, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually visited the interior of any fast food joint.
Holy bat s#*t.
Brand new restaurant… squeaky clean, which was both awesome and disturbing simultaneously, I walked up and ordered 4 bean and cheese burritos with no lettuce… and yes, the irony of “no lettuce” is NOT lost on me. Anyhoo, the person taking my order suggested that I only needed 2 burritos… I looked at her and said… no, I’m a big boy and I can easily handle 4 if not more. Of course, this dumbs#*t mentality is why I’m 40 pounds overweight. But I digress. I caved. I went with her suggestion that I NOT eat myself to death in her new, fancy restaurant.
I sat down and faced the other customers and realized something. Had I driven through the drive thru, I would have ordered 8 burritos. Prolly would have eaten them all, or worse… I would have pushed myself to finish them all. But because I was “in front” of people and/or eating publicly rather than eating in my car and getting dumber by listening to sports talk. I was shamed in to eating rationally. Yuup, shame, in this instance, was an instrument of good. Like f’ing duh, two burritos was plenty. I didn’t need more than that. The cashier was right to correct my order AND “shame” me in to eating correctly. See, in the car… I was accountable to no one but myself. But, “in front” of others, I didn’t want to be perceived as a typical fat @$$. Technically, I’m pear shaped but you get the gist. I had to reconcile these two worlds…
At 44, you’d think I would have learned this lesson a decade or so ago. Nope, just dawned on me.
In sum, I think we need the occasional shame… the positive side of shame not the spiraling in to the guilt abyss shame. And, for those that are still reading this article and my poor eating habits aside… how can we use shame professionally?
I’ll say it again. How can we use the positive side of shame professionally? With ourselves, with each other, with folks we like at work and those we don’t? As an instrument of good… as a mechanism to make us more aware or enlightened or just better…
I danced with my demons at Del Taco and I embrace my shame.
Tincup…
Dick Gregory once said, “I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that”; today not only do we have school to show kids what shame is, we also have work.
I won’t go into the divisive and derisive language of many work environments – specifically the words used between superior and subordinate – but I believe this can be encapsulated in something I wrote on this past Monday’s @InternPro chat:
“Funny thing about learning is that the more you know, the more you don’t know”
The challenge is to be able to introspect to identify what you don’t know and if you want – and that’s the real element of using shame, “if you want” – do something to make yourself proud.
So Tincup – decide if you want to continue to be a fat @ss who ironically buys small cars…
Desperately searching for the damned “Like” button so that I can properly recognize Levy’s comment…
@steve – 40 pounds ago I couldn’t get in… much less own a Mini… but the super-irony isn’t lost on me man… thanks for adding your wisdom…
@frank – get a room…
@T if only I listened to more of my “wisdom”
@Z
William,
I’m thinking it’s not so much “using” shame intentionally, but rather playing on the human need that shame surfaces: the desire to do the right thing. So, how can we leverage shame in a professional setting? By role modeling the behavior we want to see. But not in an “I’m better than you” way. Just put your good choices out there and see what happens.
I practice Taoist Tai Chi, our Founder, Master Moy learned from the Masters of the Shaolin temple where he was exposed to a blend of Taoism, Buddism and Confucianism. Master Moy believed and encouraged us to live by The 8 Virtues. Virtue (which is a positive) #8 is “A Sense of Shame”.
Our worldwide (40,000+) orgaizational culture is based upon the 8 virtues. As leaders we are the role models. I agree with Jennifer Miller’s comment, it does not mean I’m better than you mindset in any way.
At a couple of places, I’ve worked with IT to create this Internet policy – go where you like, we don’t give care. But the top ten percent of the internet users will have their top 10 sites posted, each month. When I first did it, we posted it on a bulletin board by the break room, three months running. Then we only had to update it once or twice a year, randomly. When I did it the second time, there was an automated dashboard attached to the front page of the company intranet. That was a little less effective because people weren’t given the platform to raz each other face to face. But it was much more consistently updated.
In both cases, we let shame and internal peer pressure break pretty much all abusers of their bad habit, without having to get involved. Usually their managers were as embarrassed as they were.
Of course, challenging performance metrics and active management would have cut that crap out, because there wouldn’t have been time to spend all day on the web. But that doesn’t involve shaming so much, so we’ll save that problem for another day.
Tincup – I hope you rewarded yourself with an extra cigar that evening to smooth things out. Balance is everything.
Beautiful post – and as we each seceed into our our own little worlds with our tiny digital screens we are less and less aware of those around us and exceedingly less responsible to anyone but ourselves. The problem is that we are far less kind to the self than we are to the other, and are not very rational when it comes to making personal decisions (especially involving burritos).
I agree about work and the need for public shame, or rather public responsibility (which can cause shame). I’ve been thinking about this recently and wondering how to really influence the behavior not just of the individual, but of the group and public responsibility really seems to be it.
And I rather enjoy DelTaco, not that I’d ever be seen eating there.
In all seriousness, shame can destroy your self esteem, and cripple you emotionally if left untreated. If you want to learn the true impact and recovery from shame read “Healing The Shame That Binds You.” While it is wise to inventory our shortcomings, make amends for the harms we’ve caused, and financial restitution for where we’ve failed in business, shame as a condition is something that must be healed, resolved and transformed. Sure, let’s embrace ourselves, warts and all. It’s the first step toward self acceptance, but in my personal experience shame (if left unattended) has poisoned my system, and shut me down. Finding the good in ourselves during a shame spiral is helpful. Journaling, and counting the times we’ve shame spiraled can be revealing. I am of the opinion that embracing shame is harmful. Self-acceptance, healing, therapy, and personal growth is far more productive. With that said, William I like you very much. I respect your work, and am inspired by what you do. The next time you experience shame (not embarrassment ) cut yourself some slack. If you owe someone an apology, make one. But, please remember to forgive yourself.
Your friend,
Margo Rose
http://linkedin.com/in/margorose
Founder of HireFriday and #HFChat