Congratulations!!! If you are reading this, it means you have survived the catastrophic incident that caused the end of the world as we know it!
I am the new Head of HR for this region. I will be guiding everyone through their new roles and responsibilities. Why am I the Head of HR, you ask? Well…because I escaped with this big-@$$ machete and you didn't! Now, sit down and stop asking me stupid questions.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes. New roles. First of all, let's get all the HR managers to line up. That's it, that's it. Thank you. You are all fired. We have no need for you anymore. And, if I am being honest, and since I am the one with the machete, I'm not really sure what you did anyway. We don't need any performance plans. Anyone who isn't cutting it gets fed to the mutant giraffes outside the compound. We don't need any retention plans. Anyone that wants to leave is welcome to walk right out that poorly constructed wall of debris. More food for us. You want a seat at the table? BWAHAHAHA! How about you sit on the table. More specifically, on a platter with an apple in your mouth.
Organizational Development. You're fired, too. We need people more experienced in the traits we need in the new world. Luckily, my new VP of OD, Congressman Paul Ryan will begin training everyone in the art of hunting with a bow and arrow. We were hoping to appoint the head of what was once called the National Education Association to lead this division. Unfortunately, he succumbed to the boils. The surviving three members of the union can't seem to agree on who has the most seniority. Therefore, Congressman Rya
n it is.
Benefits. The benefits people can stay. Benefits is so boring that I haven't been able to convince anyone else to do it. Our benefits plan is pretty simple. I suggest you learn them inside and out so you can readily answer any questions fellow clan members may have. The benefits you will receive are these: you are not dead, and as long as you do what your leaders say, we will do our best to make sure it stays that way. Pretty good perks, if you ask me. If you don't agree, I suggest you take it up with my new Head of Employee Moral, Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
Finally, recruiting. If we are to survive as a clan, we will need more clan members. With this in mind, I have decided to select Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to lead up our recruiting efforts. I make this choice for a couple of reasons. Number one…they seem to have a talent for magically conjuring up new people. I'm not sure how they do it, but clearly that's an important skill in this new world. And B…if we need to re-populate, I would prefer our posterity to be, well…a step up from past generations. I understand that not every person will be a Shakira. However, I think it's important for us to do what we can to avoid any future Danny DiVitos.
That's it, people. I know it's not what you're used to and there will be a lot of adjustments. Some of you will be able to handle it and others won't. I actually haven't seen Mitt Romney since I told him that he would need to start chewing his own food. If you can't handle it, there is a place for you in the kitchens. Cooking, of course. For everyone else, mind the machete and we'll get along fine.