Are you the type of man who enjoys adventure? Do you want to visit every corner of the world? Do you love history, tradition, and having people kiss your ring?
Then, we have the job for you!!!
The Catholic Church is the staple of old time religion! Feeding the poor, educating the masses, and squashing birth control around the world, the Church is global, 1 billion members strong, AND we are looking for a new leader to bring us into the next generation.
As the Pope, you will be responsible for carrying out the 2000 year old strategy handed down to the Church by Jesus himself! More specifically, by a bunch of guys, most of whom never actually spoke to Jesus, but passed his instructions down just the same. It will be up to you to keep our billion members inspired, committed, and making lots of babies.
Sound interesting? Let me tell you about some of the perks:
- Amazing travel benefits. Not only do you get to visit exotic locations all over the world, you even get to tour the country side in your very own, bullet proof, glass box!
- You will never have to buy clothes again! Forget about choosing between Abercrombie and Banana Republic. We've got custom simars and fascias all tailored to your liking. Oh, and did I mention the hats?
- Your own country! That's right. Vatican City is an official country and it's all yours! Never get another speeding ticket in yo
- Access to the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
- You can't be fired. Ever. Like… ever ever. No matter what. At all.
Qualified candidates need to meet the following criteria:
- Must be Catholic. It is very important to us that the line “Is the Pope Catholic?” continue to hold meaning for everyone.
- Must have experience running a large organization. Preferably 500 million people or more.
- Must be able to wave for long periods of time.
- You must know the proper response to “The Lord be with you….” If you are still saying “And also with you”, you risk making the church look like it's stuck in the 2000s.
- Must be infallible.
Extra consideration goes to those who are fluent in Latin, English, French, German, Spanish and Ignorance.
Contrary to popular belief, this position is open to any Catholic with a Y chromosome. All you have to do is convince a room full of old men that you can do the job. Technically, God tells these men who he wants to pick. But, it's sometimes hard for them to hear him over all their politicking.
For consideration, please submit your resume through prayer and reflection. We will be reviewing applicants until you see the white smoke.
The Catholic Church is an Equal Opportunity Employer. We do not discriminate based on…ummm…well, never mind.