Now Hiring – Pope

Are you the type of man who enjoys adventure?  Do you want to visit every corner of the world?  Do you love history, tradition, and having people kiss your ring?

Then, we have the job for you!!!

The Catholic Church is the staple of old time religion!  Feeding the poor, educating the masses, and squashing birth control around the world, the Church is global, 1 billion members strong, AND we are looking for a new leader to bring us into the next generation.

As the Pope, you will be responsible for carrying out the 2000 year old strategy handed down to the Church by Jesus himself!  More specifically, by a bunch of guys, most of whom never actually spoke to Jesus, but passed his instructions down just the same.  It will be up to you to keep our billion members inspired, committed, and making lots of babies.

Sound interesting?  Let me tell you about some of the perks:

  • Amazing travel benefits. Not only do you get to visit exotic locations all over the world, you even get to tour the country side in your very own, bullet proof, glass box!
  • You will never have to buy clothes again! Forget about choosing between Abercrombie and Banana Republic.  We've got custom simars and fascias all tailored to your liking. Oh, and did I mention the hats?
  • Your own country!  That's right. Vatican City is an official country and it's all yours!  Never get another speeding ticket in yo

    ur life.

  • Access to the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
  • You can't be fired.  Ever. Like… ever ever.  No matter what.  At all.

Qualified candidates need to meet the following criteria:

  • Must be Catholic.  It is very important to us that the line “Is the Pope Catholic?” continue to hold meaning for everyone.
  • Must have experience running a large organization.  Preferably 500 million people or more.
  • Must be able to wave for long periods of time.
  • You must know the proper response to “The Lord be with you….”  If you are still saying “And also with you”, you risk making the church look like it's stuck in the 2000s.
  • Must be infallible.

Extra consideration goes to those who are fluent in Latin, English, French, German, Spanish and Ignorance.

Contrary to popular belief, this position is open to any Catholic with a Y chromosome.  All you have to do is convince a room full of old men that you can do the job.  Technically, God tells these men who he wants to pick.  But, it's sometimes hard for them to hear him over all their politicking.

For consideration, please submit your resume through prayer and reflection.  We will be reviewing applicants until you see the white smoke.

The Catholic Church is an Equal Opportunity Employer.  We do not discriminate based on…ummm…well, never mind.


FOT Background Check

Jason Pankow
Jason Pankow realized long ago that he wasn’t smart enough to actually program video games and game consoles. So, he found another way to participate! In between bouts of pwning newbs in Halo or scoring mad gamerpoints, Jason spends his time as the Staffing Program Manager for Microsoft’s Devices and Studios Division. Jason’s day is spent running programs that help recruit the obscenely talented developers, designers and engineers that have blessed the world with the likes of Xbox, Kinect and tons of other rad stuff, much of which he can’t tell you about. So, don’t ask. In non-nerd speak…what this means is that Jason has the coolest recruiting job in the world! Look him up as “Satchmo Baggins” on Xbox LIVE. But, watch out for the dreaded headshot!


  1. David says:

    The hand grenade was the only tempting part of the job. Would I have to know how to count to three? What if I went on to 4? Is 5 right out?

    • Jason Pankow
      Jason Pankow says:

      I think the Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9-21, is pretty clear on the subject.

  2. John says:

    I’m really torn on this post. There were some good points, but if you we’re attempting to be funny it didn’t come across that way.

    Somehow saying that the Pope must be fluent in ignorance, and then trying to pass off the satire by listing that you’re a practicing Catholic in your bio just seems to be well, ignorant.

    • Jason Pankow
      Jason Pankow says:

      Thanks for the comment John. I figured some people wouldn’t find it funny. That’s why I added the bit about the Holy Hand Grenade. Because, let’s face it…the Holy Hand Grenade rocks!

      I listed that I am a practicing Catholic to point out that I am not some anti-religion person trying to take a swing at the Catholic Church. I’m part of the family. I’m afraid I’m missing how that seems ignorant…although, I am not claiming to be devoid of ignorance. I mean…Bring it On is one of my favorite movies. Clearly I am missing something.

      My other word choice was Apathy. I chose Ignorance because I thought it wasn’t as rude.

      • John says:

        Hey Jason,

        I too am a member of the tribe and I get it. There are several I did like the Holy Hand Grenade reference too, that part was funny.

        To clarify, when you look at the intellectual credentials that Pope Benedict and Pope JPII had prior to being elevated, it didn’t come across as funny. No biggie, it just seemed like a cheap shot.

        I’m still a fan though, didn’t want to be a flaming troll, but politely question the word choice.

  3. Bonita Martin says:

    I am a practicing Catholic, ashes at work and all. The combination of HR and being Catholic can be challenging. I appreciate your light-hearted approach. Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Mandy says:

    Too funny. I love it.

    I wish all job descriptions looked like this!

  5. Deb McClanahan says:

    You left out the best benefit of all for the job – that terrific art collection and the jewels. World class all!

  6. Chris A says:

    The Catholic church “educating” the masses now THAT is funny stuff.

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