Okay, I’m running for the President of the United States of America in 2016. Time for Tincup to clean up Washington!
Are you with me? Don’t say yes or no yet… here’s my short plan to un-screw America:
- Guns: you can buy them, own them, swap them—whatever. The only caveat is civilians cannot possess any weapon with a clip that holds more than 10 bullets. Here’s the thing… if you can’t kill a deer with 10 shots… spend more freakin’ time on the shooting range. We should be focusing on the clip not the other crap.
- Drugs: I would decriminalize/legalize all drugs. ALL. You can buy whatever you want. Consume until your heart’s content. All drugs are taxed at 10%. The Feds get paid… the underworld gets the shaft.
- Taxes, Part I: I would tax all nonprofits. Churches, schools, social services, whatever—at least property taxes. Nonprofits need to ante up. I’m sick and tired of them having the best real estate in our communities and not paying their fair share of taxes. If they want to do good for the community, we gots to get paid.
- Taxes, Part II: I would implement a flat tax for businesses and individuals. 5% If you make a dollar, 5% goes to the Feds. Our tax code can now fit in a tweet. Sorry accountants… you just got screwed. All the wizardry, loopholes and other tax gimmickry is disgraceful. Everyone pays 5%—the rich, the poor, the socially backwards, and even corporations.
- Whores: I would decriminalize/legalize prostitution. If you want to sleep with someone, you should be able to. If you want to charge for that, you should be able to. Period. The oldest profession needs to be legitimized and people involved in it need to be safe.
- Age: I would standardize the legal adult age at 18. Smoke cigarettes, vote for $h!t, drink like fish, serve your country, rent a car, etc. When you turn 18 you should get all the perks of adulthood—not some. In the current world, you can join the Army and vote but you can’t drink a beer. That’s messed up. I would change that.
- Campaigns: I would limit the amount anyone can give to a candidate to $1,000. That limit would apply to individuals, businesses, nonprofits, PACs, Super PACs, alien invaders, whomever. $1,000 bucks. That’s the max. Smaller campaigns are good for everyone. It would limit the dumb stuff we see and hear.
- Arts: I would really fund the arts. As you study the history of the world, great civilizations have always funded the arts. We aren’t great, but we could be… and one way to become great is to get folks to think great ideas via the arts. Poetry, check. Music, check. Painting, check. Sculpture, check. Photography, check. You get the idea. We’ve politicized the arts, which is about as dumb as it gets. Give artists bags of money and let them do what they do. The results will propel us.
- Immigration: I would let anyone that wants to come in, come in. Here’s the catch: immigrants get a National ID that contains their DNA and fingerprints. They would be taxed at 10% for 5 years. If an immigrant has paid taxes for 5 years and has not created legal issues for our country, then we should welcome them with open arms. If you are in the country right now or have been for years (generations), the clock starts now.
- Prison: I would create a vastly different world in prisons. Depending on the crime, criminals would either get punishment or rehabilitation. Not both or neither. For instance, capital murder: the criminal would be doing hard time each and every day of his/her sentence. No TV, no days off, no visitors, nothing but hard time. Do the crime, do the time. However, for lessor crimes, let’s really invest in the person. Let’s really try to rehabilitate that person. Society would determine the line between punishment and rehabilitation.
- Defense: I would invest heavily in the defense department. I want to have the best military in the world by a factor of 10. Line up our enemies, and I want to be able to crush 10 of them at the same time. Hopefully, it never comes to that but if someone messes with us… they would rue the day. In my mind, offense wins games, defense wins championships.
- Salaries: I would triple the salaries for teachers. Our educational system sucks, mostly because we don’t pay the best and brightest to become teachers. Let’s change that. Lawyers, bankers, doctors… and teachers. I would also increase the salaries for police officers, firefighters and philosophers, as well.
- Gambling: I would decriminalize/legalize all forms of gambling. I’m assuming you work hard for your money. If so, you should be able to gamble on whatever the hell you want. Period. Spend your money & have fun. IMHO, a stigma shouldn’t surround gambling. Remember the bit about taxes; yo… the Feds get that 5%.
- Budget: I would institute a balanced budget from day one. Period. Most families have to live within a budget and so should the federal government. It’s common sense man.
- Terms: I would make it illegal to serve more than two terms in ANY public office. ANY. No more career politicians. Politics needs to be about service and representation not a career path for English and/or Political Science majors. The best and brightest should want to serve.
- Veterans: I would suggest that we honor our commitments to those who have served our country. Truth is, we treat veterans like $h!t. We need to stop that. Let’s give them a house, a car, an education, a job, great healthcare… whatever the hell it takes. Let’s make their lives better, not worse.
Okay, that’s the short plan un-screw America.
Put on your HR/recruiters’ hats… would you hire me?