(DEARBORN, MI) – Last night, during a routine server swap, John Davies, IT Director at Kapper Media, inadvertently deleted the company’s entire HR department, sources confirm.
“All the files, all the data, and all the software, they’re all gone,” reports one employee, who spoke with
reporters under the condition of anonymity.
It’s not been a good day for Davies, 38, who awoke this morning to news of the mistake. Davies, despite over a decade of experience working with servers, including over 4 at Kapper, admitted that after his distraction eliminated the department’s digital presence, he panicked. In an attempt to cover up his role in deleting HR’s digital presence, Davis went a step further by doing the unthinkable–deleting the department’s physical presence, too.
“It was late, and the vending machine only had Diet Pepsi, and I kind of got distracted since there’s nothing that pisses me off more than when that happens. And it keeps happening,” Davies said when contacted by reporters. The authorities confirm that Davies meticulously removed all desks, lockers, file cabinets and personal effects related to Human Resources, in the hopes that no one would notice that HR was missing.
Unfortunately for Davies, and against all odds, a few people did, in fact, notice that the entire HR function had mysteriously disappeared overnight.
Affected employees, meanwhile, seem understandably shaken up at the traumatic experience. “The first thing I noticed when I got to the office is that someone had stolen my stapler,” said Ellen Neely, HR Manager at Kapper.
Her colleague, Kapper payroll supervisor Lorraine Bochy, wiped away tears with a homemade crochet sweater as she spoke to a crowd of concerned onlookers. “It’s all gone. All my files, all my reports,” Bochy said. “What am I going to do now?”
Diane Stevens, Chief Human Resources Officer (CHRO) for Kapper Media, was determined
to lift her comrades’ spirits by putting a positive spin on what seemed, on the face at least, to be a hopeless situation. “Thank God. Our crap was so messed up it wasn’t even funny,” Stevens said. “You wanna know the truth? I’m glad it’s gone. We can start fresh. Alright, alright, alright.”
There were varied reactions from current Kapper employees working in departments other than HR. “We really still have HR?” Phil Harden, finance manager at Kapper, asked reporters when informed of the incident. “I thought we just did all that ourselves. I’ll be damned.”
“Does that mean our sexual harassment training is cancelled? Man, I hope so,” said Howard Pfaff, sales manager at Kapper. “That stuff is useless–like they can tell us who we’re going to sleep with. They can’t even tell us if we’re getting bonuses this year.”
The emotions of other workers at Kapper, however, seemed decidedly mixed. Matthew Harrison, recruiter at Kapper, seemed devastated by the event. “I hope they get at least some of their department back up and running,” Harrison said. When asked whether or not he, as a recruiter, could be considered a part of the missing HR department, he added, “Oh, hell no. I’m a recruiter–and real recruiters hate HR people and everything about them.”
New research, however, may suggest that science, not malice, played a contributing role into Davies’ HR vanishing act. Cornell University researchers are currently studying the link between HR departments and the anger, sometimes even violence, they seem to create in otherwise docile computer geeks. Unpublished research from Dr. Peter Gibbon and Dr. Erica Crane indicates that the correlation may be, in fact, related to wearing down due to extreme and constant friction.
IT, it seems, is not alone; the research also suggests executive leadership may be affected by the condition. “With SaaS software, HR can just buy whatever technology they want, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it since they’re in charge of every damn policy at the company,” said Kapper Chief Technical Officer (CTO) Corey Wilhelm.
Jack Kimball, currently a college intern at Kapper, wondered if the disappearance of HR meant that he “no longer had to stay in this hell hole,” adding “I’m glad it got deleted–I hate HR and I’m only three weeks into my career.”
Lynn Saint-Sebastian, former employee of Kapper described by colleagues as “disgruntled,” seemed relieved at the HR department’s sudden disappeared this morning. “I’m still ticked that when they canned me, they only spent–what–15 minutes on my exit interview after I gave them 15 years of my life? I’ve still got a lot more to say to those Kapper a$$holes.”
We’re currently tracking this story. Stay tuned for updates. Additional reporting by Matt Charney.