HR’s Same-Sex Marriage Policy

Tim Sackett Audacious Ideas, Policies, Tim Sackett

Let me first say that I love Chick-fil-a and I love Gay people.  Well, “Love” might be strong – I like Chick-fil-a and I like Gay people.  Ok, I’m sorry, I lied – I LOVE Chick-fil-a, I go out of my way when I’m near one to get one of those crack filled chicken sandwiches! But, I also still like Gay people, I mean even my best friend is Gay! (I also use that same exact statement when talking about Black people – “I mean even my best friend is Black!”, because I’m white and I feel if I don’t say that, I somehow must be racist or gayist, I don’t even know the term) So, here we are in August, and the Presidential elections only a few months off and the Democrats announced they are putting a Same-Sex Marriage plank on their platform.  On the flip side, the Republicans are putting a “You Can Legally Lock Up Your Female Wife” plank on their platform.  So, it all balances out in the end – can’t we all just get along!?

HR Pros – You know what this means, right?  You can’t vote Democrat!  Can you imagine the pain in our butts it’s going to be to write those Same-Sex Marriage Policies!  I don’t even know how you would begin to write that policy, but like any good HR Pro who wants to be prepared, and for you guys, I’ll give it a shot with a “draft” policy (Editor’s Note: Fistful of Talent in no way supports Tim’s views on this policy or any other policy, we aren’t even sure he has ever really worked in HR, we’re a blog – we didn’t do a background check – we just checked his LinkedIn profile and that looked legit):

Same-Sex Marriage HR Policy 101 (draft)

Employer ABC’s Same-Sex Policy applies to all staff employed. The policy establishes standards of conduct deemed necessary to advance the beneficial ends and foster the professional welfare of the firm. The Policy is based upon principles of honesty and integrity and same-sexness. Conduct that breaches these standards or violates these principles will be governed by this Policy. The policy is designed to supplement other policies. Employer ABC remains committed to its anti-discrimination and anti-harassment policies and to maintaining the integrity of its personnel procedures. The Policy is a declaration of organizational values and a statement of enforceable standards of conduct. The procedures shall be consistent with current personnel policies and procedures and shall preserve rights of due process and confidentiality.

There I think the legitimately says it all, which in HR speak, means it says nothing at all.  This is also another way of showing my complete disinterest in this topic, probably because I’m heterosexual and already married, and probably because I could care less about who wants to marry whom – even if it’s two dudes or two ladies, or a crazy HR lady and her cat.  All people have the right to be miserable and nagged at on a daily basis – have at it!  Welcome to your Same-Sex Marriage – no go take the garbage out and change that ugly shirt before we go out to eat.

P.S. – I would make a great Same-Sex Husband (or wife, I’m not sure how it works) – I cook, buy great gifts, love shoes, fold clothes (but don’t like putting them away), love to do yard work, I usually smell decent, like watching all kinds of movies, like to fish and golf and I don’t smoke crack!  Plus, I’m always on time.  But I’m not Gay – that always gets in the way.